by Dr. Vance Hardisty
Ethan, a professional man, was angry and calling his wife all sorts of names when he came to us. "She's having an affair with a guy she met at a roller skating rink. I just found out." He became very tearful. "What can I do? I love her. I want to save my marriage." He swallowed hard. "I don't understand. I try to be a perfect husband."
But he hadn't been a good husband - not really. At least, not in her opinion. When I had the chance to talk with her she told me, "I put up with him as long as I could. I needed someone who would love me the way I needed." Although they blamed each other, both were at fault; but in her disillusionment she started looking elsewhere outside her marriage and "fell in love" with the first guy who gave her attention. She began a love affair with him. The affair did not endure and soon she was That didn't last, so she was off looking for another guy. Meanwhile their children floundered.
It is interesting that people find excuses aplenty for having an affair. Fortunately, physical adultery still shocks people - and especially if the faithless are famous, like Tiger Woods, or Jesse James, the husband of Sandra Bullock. At this time, it doesn't look like either one is going to be able to save his marriage. Having sex outside your committed relationship can destroy your family, friends and spouse. Having an affair emotionally or mentally can be adultery as well. People are often caught when they are having virtual sex because the proof is in emails and web browsers. Emotional disloyalty, by choosing someone other than your spouse as your closest confidant and friend, when there are romantic undertones, chips away at married closeness and can escalate into physical betrayal.
Mental infidelity and emotional disloyalty are adulterous, too. A person can have sex mentally with someone else and no one is the wiser unless the porn or email correspondence that reveals their indulgence is discovered. Emotional disloyalty, by choosing someone other than your spouse as your closest confidant and friend, when there are romantic undertones, chips away at married closeness and can escalate into physical betrayal.
Some of the biggest problems arise when the one who has had the affair is sorry, swears he/she will never do it again and then expects the offended one to forgive and forget and let the marriage go back to the way it was immediately. Forgiveness is only the first part of the process. Time is needed to heal the situation and forgiveness to truly occur. Second, though the one who has cheated often just wants things to go back to normal - they really DON'T want that. That NORMAL was what got them into trouble in the first place.
Some of the biggest problems arise when the one who has had the affair is sorry, swears he/she will never do it again and then expects the offended one to forgive and forget and let the marriage go back to the way it was immediately. First of all, even if the other spouse can forgive, to rebuild trust is a process. It takes time and some very specific actions on the part of the offender. Second, though the one who has cheated often just wants things to go back to normal - they really DON'T want that. That NORMAL was what got them into trouble in the first place. What they want is a better, stronger, happier marriage. They just don't know how to get it.
Fortunately, it can be done. Time after time, we have seen couples who have experienced adultery go through the rebuilding process, follow the steps that they need to follow, and find that they didn't just save their marriages, they made them much better than before.
If you are in a difficult union, it is far easier to start right now, using clearly defined steps, like those we at Love Relationship Headquarters have laid out, to make the marriage you have dynamic and exciting. You can prvent the pain of cheating and improve your relationship. Find us and all the steps you need, whether you have gone through the frustration of adultery or not at www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com. You ask us, "Can you save my marriage?" We would ask you to look in the mirror and ask, "Can WE save this marriage?" We can help, yes, but the actual process takes two - you and your spouse.
You ask us, "Can you save my marriage?" We would ask you to look in the mirror and ask, "Can WE save this marriage?" We can help, yes, but the actual process takes two - you and your spouse. Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and Speaker Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com
Are there problems in your marriage? You are not alone. 100's of thousands have used our marriage advice. Saving your marriage is what we do best , and get separate help for men Unique version for reprint here: Losing My Marriage.
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