by Margaret Hardisty
Here is a wife who's using an old standby weapon. Her husband wrote: My wife withholds sex as a punishment in order to get her own way. What can I do about this?
This man wanted to save his marriage. Part of our answer was this: Keep close tabs the next few weeks on what she is demanding. You may see a pattern start to form that will show you where her needs lie. Then try to read between the lines.
When a woman isn't getting the love and attention she needs from her husband, she sometimes will point those desires in another direction and start asking for favors, material things or some other substitute. So, a demand for some luxury, which is reinforced by her giving or withholding sex, is not about the luxury or the sex. Those are second or third level issues. Most often the foundational issue is her desire to be loved and the focus of at least some of your attention, when you are not wanting sex.
If you begin to see a pattern, and you take an honest look at yourself and realize that you are spending too much time at work, watching sports, away on trips - whatever - then you have a decision to make. Continue to play the game of, "I'll give you this if you'll give me that," which is very unfulfilling and can result in a destroyed marriage; or you can begin to meet her foundational needs. Start providing her love and attention, not associated with sex, and you will see a less demanding partner in life and a more eager partner in bed. By making these changes you can save your marriage.
If that turns out NOT to be the case, consider that she may have manipulated her parents and siblings to get what she wanted while growing up. She may be a demanding personality. If so, you need to have a number of heart to heart talks until she decides to act maturely. She needs to know that you are at a critical point and that saving the marriage is now the focus. If she continues to manipulate and be unreasonable, you might suggest professional counseling to find out why she thinks that's an acceptable defense.
Men can be just as manipulative as women when they are unaware of the impact it has on their marriage. When a woman "doesn't want to," he might punish her by pouting, becoming angry, threatening to find another woman, or other negatives designed to push her to do what he wants. Whether it's the woman or the man doing the manipulating, it is playing dirty, and it's just plain stupid - if you want a loving relationship and if you want to save your marriage. Your mate is a human being, not a puppy you're training. Change your tactics. You are driving a destructive wedge between you.
This just touches the surface. We have much more on this subject in our books and material that you can find at www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com. We're here to help, to heal and to guide. Join us.
Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Margaret Hardisty Best Selling Author and Speaker Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com
Your marriage has value, Save your marriage today, and receive separate help for men All marriages are worth saving, Save your marriage today, and receive separate help for women
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